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Joke of the Day

"I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary."

"There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body."

"hello poison control. i need some poison asap, my kid is being a real piece of shit. yes i'll hold."

"Avoiding the use of French-derived words... Is not my forte."

"Have you heard of the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines everywhere."

"Hitler wasn't a very athletic man. He never even finished a single race."

"You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, ""concentrate""."

"SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second"

"Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs."

"I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams."