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Joke of the Day

"You can never lose a homing pigeon... If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon."

"I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge."

"Why is my father so abusive? Beats me"

"DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*"

"What is the worst type of doctor you can be? gynecologist - because in the hole that the whole world is looking for pleasure, he's looking for problems."

"Remember ... Jesus died for your Peeps."

"I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me"

"Best listener Girl: My boyfriend never listens to me. Friend: You should date a blind mute. Girl: why? Friend: he's all ears"

"What do we want? A cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what?"

"Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'"