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Joke of the Day

"DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*"

"Divorce Mickey - I want a divorce Minnie - Are you fucking crazy? Mickey - No.. I'm fucking Daisy!"

"Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he's really into phone calls."

"Gf: What's the dog eating? Me: Piece of hotdog. Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT."

"why did the scarecrow win a medal? because he was outstanding in his field"

"I used to have a job; ""I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."""

"What is Tumblr's favourite branch of maths? Trigger-nometry... I'll see myself out."

"I'm pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am."

"What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? The boy scout makes it back from camp."

"It's cray that I totes obvi say perf and adorbz on the regs"