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Joke of the Day

"I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge."

"I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning. I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth."

"What does an LGBT orthodontist make most of his money off of ? bruces"

"What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'm gonna give these two a lift."

"I like my Friday nights like I like my jeans high-wasted."

"My friend told me the onion is the only food that makes you cry. I disagreed and threw a coconut at his face."

"What is something that tastes better than it smells? A tongue"

"My five-year-old: ""I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!"" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference."

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"Email to my boss: What is the difference between your daughter and this morning? I'm not cumming in this morning!"