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Joke of the Day

"[phone rings] ""Hello?"" Hi, is your refrigerator running? ""WTF?"" ...well Hillary is! Hi, I'd like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign."

"My friend overheard me saying I could go for some malt liquor. Instead, the bastard got me a box of Whoppers. ""What the hell is this?!"" I said. ""Suck on them. Now, you're a *malt licker*!"""

"A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool So I gave him a glass of water"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"[picking out a washing machine] how many watermelons can this hold? ""uhh I dunno, 11?"" only 11? *keeps walking to next one* how many waterme"

"Why did Kobe Bryant go to New Jersey after he got arrested? Because he needed one."

"Did you know we only use 10% of our brains? ""Actually that's a myth-"" This part is useless *stabs fork in head* See? Now florble arble guh"

"Jesus loves you. These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison."

"Cancer research scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish. The results speak for themselves.."

"My shirt is 40% linen... I guess the other 60% is McCartney, Harrison and Starr."