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Joke of the Day

"It's about damn time we start talking about spontaneous combustion. It doesn't happen in a vaccuum."

"Knock, knock Who's there? Cecile. Cecile who? Cecile the d-door! There's a m-monster outs-s-side!"

"How do you drown a hipster? Convince them breathing under water is the new fad."

"How did the shellfish win the underwater beauty pageant? Using saxitoxin."

"What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'"

"I'm going through a phase of categorizing my life in phases. I call this one my 'phase' phase."

"A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite."

"What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish."

"wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?"

"the reason i dont wear specific colors on 9/11 when someone asks me why im not wearing red on 9/11 i tell them ""because im not celebrating a muslim holiday"""