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Joke of the Day

"ME: I need to pee really bad TEACHER: can you hold it? ME: probably not. my hands aren't very good at retaining liquid"

"The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat."

"Listen Mrs. Potato Head, you are married. No matter how many times you open your ass to me, I'm not doing it. Drunk Irish whore."

"Why did Ted get fired from his job? Because he would only do the _bear_ minimum?"

"""How do we hide Superman's identity?"" They asked. A man kicked in the door & yelled ""With glasses!"" & everyone started clapping for him."

"Hipster fire department unable to make building cool."

"""What?""- pothead owl"

"Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children's bicycle, you're probably in a bad neighborhood."

"What do vegetarians love to do during sex? Toss some salad."

"What does cheese say to itself when taking a selfie in the mirror? Hallooooo me!"