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Joke of the Day

"Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast."

"[talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man"

"I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders."

"Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It's true, I'm still glad I went with a bowling ball though"

"I'm gonna pretend my dad didn't abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he'll be back"

"What do you call a collection of memes? A memeoir."

"If Dumbledore did a 'Cribs' episode for Hogwarts, he'd be like ""and this is where the magic happens"" in every room."

"rubbish invention I made a sandal for people with only one leg. it was a flop."

"I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman.. Oops I've posted this in the wrong place"

"You've reached the Suicide Hotline. If you're clinically depressed, press 1. If you sent a tweet with a typo in it, press 2."