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Joke of the Day

"[talking to bouncer] Me:let me in Bouncer: not after last time Me:would a Washington convince you? Bouncer: no George Washington: c'mon man"

"They say that Indian Cooks are a jack of all trades... But a master of naan. My girlfriend said this to me when we were getting indian food tonight."

"I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college.."

"Why you shouldnt vote for Hillary because Bill always chose someone other than Hillary, and you should too"

"So a UKIP Councillor says God... is punishing the UK with floods cos of the gays. If my sex life effected the weather so much, why aren't we going through a long long dry spell?"

"A group of lingerie models were protesting They were met with stiff resistance"

"Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That shit hurt."

"I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it ""cooking"""

"Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all."

"if i was a ghost i would probably still just watch netflix"