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Joke of the Day

"How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her all about it."

"ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: ""she's nuts. This guy rules*"

"Nostradamus's childhood Kid Nostradamus asks his mom: ""Mom, what's for dinner?"" ""Like you don't know, you little prick!"""

"Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants."

"I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!"

"If you own a karate dojo and you don't make your employees answer the phone ""Hiiiiiiiiya"" You're doing it wrong"

"What is Donald Trump telling Barack Obama supporters? Orange Is The New Black!"

"I just got a job cleaning air ducts and I don't like it very much, but at least I have a job. Thanks for letting me vent."

"When speaking to children I always end every sentence with ""...or else you'll die. "" - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool."

"I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's ""adorable,"" but if I do, I'm ""causing a disturbance"" and ""need to leave""? Whatever."