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Joke of the Day
"Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots."
Next Joke
"ME: I'm just gonna take a quick nap. KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented. *living room is on fire*"
"I had an interview today. The guy interviewing me asked me where I saw myself in 5 years... I told him I didn't have 2020 vision."
"September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow."
"A Medieval Escort I've been down on my luck, but today I was finally offered a job as a medieval escort. Unfortunately, it means I will have to work fucking knights."
"[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]"
"When your sitting in a Chevy and you feel something heavy Anybody know any silly diarrhea rhymes?"
"A beggar walked up to me and said, I haven't eaten anything for days. I just looked at him and said, ""God, I wish I had your willpower"""
"(After you win something, say this to the loser). You're like an Italian man with his foot in his mouth (Italian accent) You tasted defeat."
"Samsung users are like... ""Im glad Samsung is finally blowing up."""