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Joke of the Day

"[courtroom, on witness stand] Prosecuting attny: If you think she's poisoning you, why did you eat it? Me: It was pizza [jury nods, murmurs]"

"What did the DJ order from the deli? A club sandwich with extra beets."

"A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes."

"Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away."

"A beggar once asked me, ""Any change?"" I said, ""Nope. You're still broke."""

"Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster."

"Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it."

"Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?"

"Plans to move the Russian Embassy from its current location have had to be postponed. Because Donald Trump won't pull his head out of the new place."

"Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9 Because Microsoft 7 8 9"