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Joke of the Day

"Hey Customer Service Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?"

"I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all."

"The doctor told me I should stop masturbating today. So I look him straight in the eye and asked him ""why?"". And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions."

"A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish... I asked, ""What's the catch?"""

"My friend left his laptap on the floor in my living room. My other friend thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950."

"There are two secrets to being a successful businessman. 1) Never tell people everything you know... 2)"

"Date: So what do you do for fun? Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail] I love bird watching."

"What do Peacocks mate with? Peacunts"

"Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday? To watch Dablooney Toons!"

"Today my wife was on her knees before me. ...screaming: ""Don't you hide under the bed, asshole!"""