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Joke of the Day

"I kill people for a living with my jokes! HAHAHAHAHHAHA FUCK YOU"

"Why can't a T-Rex clap Because it's extinct"

"No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house... It's actually just a mynah problem."

"""Oh, you're left handed?"" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I'm just doing it for show"

"I'd read a book written by the person who pushes the room service cart into people's hotel rooms."

"""2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,"" I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle."

"Your mom is like a bowling ball she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and she always comes back for more."

"When the book of Revelations was written, the writer wrote that the end of the world would be signaled by trumpets. In fact, God had said Trump/Pence."

"When the president is lonely what does he say? I'm Obama-self."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Aida ! Aida who ? Aida more than I drink !"