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Joke of the Day
"How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery."
Next Joke
"PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole."
"I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... She looked surprised."
"I've been wondering for a while now... If a man who likes Asians has Yellow Fever, and a man who likes Africans has Jungle Fever; does that mean because I like Native Americans, that I have Smallpox?"
"Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit."
"""Son: Dad, i had sex for the first time"" 'Dad: That is great Son! Sit down and tell me all about it' 'son: Yeah about that...'"
"Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass."
"Jared Fogle got 15 years 8 months. But officer, she told me she was 18!"
"If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago."
"So there was this fish that was swimming along and saw a wall. And said, dam!"