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Joke of the Day

"Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit."

"Bird Seeds 1. Go to the pet store 2. Buy Bird seeds 3. Ask the cashier how long it will take for the birds to grow 4. ??? 5. Profit"

"I was banging a retarded girl last night... She didn't want me to finish in her mouth, so I shot my load on the window and let nature take its course."

"Why is sleeping with a weatherman always disappointing? Because he always promises 10-12 inches, but you only ever get 2-3."

"dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets"

"sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much"

"You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs."

"What do you call a black person flying a plane? A nigg-air!"

"So I went to grad school and finished my doctorate... I got my doctorate in fighting games and completed a masters in traditional line dancing. My degree is called the Shoryucan-can"

"What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler on a playground."