17109

Joke of the Day

"PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole."

"Taco Bell is planning on doubling the 'meat' in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they're informing us in advance."

"if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute"

"A hot girl texted me ""Come over, no one's home"" So i went over... And no one's home"

"I tried eharmony. They kept matching me up with women who look like me in a wig. I'd be too intimidated to date someone that attractive."

"We should legalize heroin just for the commercials alone"

"I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't."

"My girlfriend's plastic fork broke while she was eating earlier.... ....Just a tine-y bit. (i was so proud of myself but no one else laughed as much as I did )"

"Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley... one was a-salted"

"pretending this is a healthy protein shake even though it's just 15 pancakes I threw into a blender"