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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass."

"Don't waste your time going to the library looking for books on suicide..... no one ever brings them back."

"Why did Karl Marx like going to continental Europe so much? Because they did not have proper tea."

"How is 2+2=5 like your left foot? It's not right."

"4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby"

"Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile"

"LPT: If you ever find that your hard drive has been wiped, don't worry! Just call the NSA, they'll have have all your information backed up"

"How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, two, two"

"I'm never buying clothes for my kids again Dang baby goats just eat everything!"

"*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera* ""My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?"""