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Joke of the Day

"""You're bleeding because you don't floss"" Me: No, I'm bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room."

"So a masochist meets a sadist... The masochist yells out ""HIT ME! HIT ME!"" The sadist smiles, looks at him and says ""no."""

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog"

"My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night"

"What do you call a giant elephant mafia boss that owns slaves? Masta-Don."

"Watch 'Titanic' backwards and it's the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise."

"My greatest fear on Monday is greeting someone and asking someone how their weekend went and they actually telling me every mundane details about it."

"What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence? Utter destruction."

"""Here, let me fill your head with a bunch of opinionated bullshit that's not actually news"" - Every major news outlet"

"I called my boss and told him ""the roads are blocked so I'll be redditing from home today"""