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Joke of the Day

"""Here, let me fill your head with a bunch of opinionated bullshit that's not actually news"" - Every major news outlet"

"Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets."

"On Gun Control Yesterday I Called The Fire Arms, Tobacco, Alcohol And Asked The Agent What Fully Automatic Weapon Goes With A Shot Of Burbon. Sean O' Talk Show Host SOS Computer Talk"

"A man recently felt funny and came over queasy... At which point he was asked to leave the local amateur production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

"What is Minecraft? It's Hitler's lesser known second book about his love of knitting. Officially the title is Mein Kraft but, the kids like this spelling more."

"Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches."

"WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her"

"Where was the first chicken fried? In Greece."

"If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra."

"BOSS: you're an hour late GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven't heard?"