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Joke of the Day

"I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on a mat and drinking a bottle of wine as I shout at my thighs."

"Just realized that I'm finally too fat to do things during summer."

"When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says ""Aww you were so cute! What happened?"" Bitch, I got sexy, that's what happened."

"How do Germans tie their shoelaces? In little knotsies...."

"My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany. He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post."

"A goldfish is a great pet if you're wanting to be forced to explain death to your toddler sometime within the next 48 hours."

"I have a joke about capitalism. I'll tell it to the highest bidder."

"How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?"

"I thought my wife had Tourette Syndrome. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off."

"The dinner I ate last night is going to give my grandchildren diabetes."