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Joke of the Day

"When someone looks at your baby pictures and jokingly says ""Aww you were so cute! What happened?"" Bitch, I got sexy, that's what happened."

"Why is it good for a mason to live in constant fear? That way he just shits bricks."

"What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!"

"*knocks on door* You're too fat. ""Wha--"" You're way too dumb. ""Wait--who.."" Hi, I'm Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You're too poor for one."

"Another tale from the bar. A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a monkey, and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, ""What is this, some kind of a joke?"""

"[Morgan Freeman narrating my life] *extended period of silence* ""What the hell am I supposed to do with this..."""

"I was supposed to make a Mayweather joke but it ran away."

"[KK] Broken pencil Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? ... nevermind, there's no point"

"The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work."

"A little old lady walked into the bank cashed a small check and started out. Passing the armed guard she smiled and said ""You can go home now."""