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Joke of the Day

"What do you call someone with a successful life? Certainly not me."

"I've reached the age where if I see a wet T-shirt contest, I worry the girls might catch cold."

"Did you hear about the monster who sent his picture to a lonely hearts club? They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely!"

"I ran into my dad earlier... Shitty driving must run in the family..."

"Where are the cleanest bathrooms on college campuses? The women's bathrooms in the engineering building. Credit to /u/The_Messiah"

"What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation."

"Two people have been killed and another seriously injured in a knife attack at an Ikea store in Sweden. Police are currently at the crime scene trying to piece the evidence together."

"(CPR class) Wife to instructor: What if my knees start to hurt? Me to instructor: See what I'm up against?"

"I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him."

"Are you from Tennessee? Because your accent and appearance suggests that you hail from the southeast."