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Joke of the Day
"[God creating spiders] What if I made a tiny land octopus that could walk on walls?"
Next Joke
"Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won't say a word about your ""wenital werpes"" *winks*"
"Just realized that we are seriously kicking China's ass in cookie technology. So, we've got that going for us, which is nice."
"The thing that makes learning how to use chopsticks so difficult is that the longer you use them, the soggier your cereal gets."
"Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think ""look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."""
"I'll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I'm trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks"
"What do you call a girl with two dicks right by her face? Cockeyed. Thought of this one in LA traffic! Hope I made it up..."
"""Enjoying your day off?"" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas."
"What did the glue taste tester say? Mmmmm."
"Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called ""I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to"