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Joke of the Day

"Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant... ""Table for 26, please,"" Jesus tells the hostess. ""But there are only 13 of you."" ""Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table."""

"""Miley Cyrus: 'Society Wants to Shut Me Down'"". Not down, Miley. Up."

"I wrote a best-selling book titled ""How tostick a lamp up your ass"". AMA! Except for how to get to the lamp out of your ass."

"Did you hear about the steak that had too much sodium put on it? It was assalted"

"I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, ""helium."" Also, my friend is a balloon."

"What do men do after orgasm? 1% Do it again 1% Go Smoking 1% Fall Asleep 97% Clear History EDIT: Punctuation"

"And god said to John ""Come forth, and I will grant you with eternal life."" But John came 5th and won a toaster instead."

"It's exhausting typing ""NO ONE GIVES A SHIT"" to all your friends' baby pics on Facebook."

"Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff"

"I can't wait to jump on my kids' beds at 5am on Mother's Day, and holler ""WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?"""