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Joke of the Day

"[God Creating] Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes G: That sounds horrible L: People will love it G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders"

"Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting? Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me."

"I once knew this incredibly meticulous man from Taiwan. He was a real Taipei personality."

"How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat? When She fits in your wife's clothes."

"the best thing about being in a relationship is you can get crippling emotional abuse any time you want"

"Women who want to renew your wedding vows.... Why not renew the bachelorette party? You'd probably have more fun."

"*looks up from phone* Great, I'm inside of a coffin again."

"Why did the blonde snort Nutrasweet? Because she thought it was Diet Coke"

"What do you call a fish with no eye's? a fsh"

"Why did Microsoft skip Windows 9? Because Windows 7 8 9."