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Joke of the Day

"""Son, I want to let you know that you were adopted. ""What?! Really?!"", I said. ""Yep! Go pack your things and get ready"", my dad said. ""They'll be here to pick you up in twenty minutes."""

"When a woman tells me her lawn needs mowing, I get an entirely different picture in my head."

"Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you Me: I'm sorry I gave you that impression. That's not correct"

"I don't care if Ernie and Bert are gay or not, but how do they afford that apartment? Do they even have jobs."

"Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar? Because the competition is stiff."

"OMG, I have finally discovered what is wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right, and on the right side there is nothing left ...... intresting"

"What does a Jedi use to open files? Adobe-wan Kenobi"

"What's the difference between a soy bean and a chick pea? I've never had a soy bean all over my face."

"What has 2 legs and looses a lot of blood? Half a dog"

"FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that's easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president."