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Joke of the Day

"Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi."

"I just completed a jigsaw of a penis in under five minutes. I expected it to be harder."

"My friends think my cat is loyal and selective with his affection, but the truth is that I don't have any friends."

"What do Jesus and a nerd have in common? Both are long-haired, live at their parents' till their 30's, and if they'll do anything, it is considered a miracle."

"My new years resolution is going well, lost 10 pounds! but that was down the back of my sofa...."

"Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You're a racist."

"What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest? **An astro-fizzy-tits**"

"Why are spectators so happy with their jobs? Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

"What is green, and then red? Frogs in a blender."

"My father's such a condescending man ... Since he died he's always looked down on me."