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Joke of the Day

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a DM."

"Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius."

"Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can't legally drink till I'm 84."

"As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered."

"Feminists hate words with masculine-sounding roots... ...maybe that's why none of them have any manners."

"If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally"

"It's been said that bird droppings on the shoulder is good luck... That's crap."

"Did you know? If you took a man's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail."

"CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?"

"What'd you call a German businessman? An enterpreNeuer."