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Joke of the Day

"As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered."

"A really hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years time. I mean, come on guys, I don't have 20/20 vision."

"Why does fluoride cause apathy? Who cares."

"I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories."

"Can I have your picture, So Santa Claus knows exactly what to give me on this CHRISTMAS."

"Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? To get to the other slide! Courtesy of one of my Biology students"

"Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct Press 1 for the money 2 for the show"

"How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one. We are very efficient and not very funny..."

"My Chinese friend died today... So Yung"

"I told my mom that I have an Oedipus complex. She asked if I was serious. I told her, ""Nah, I'm just fucking with you."""