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Joke of the Day

"Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I've got something that'll blow your minds. Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*"

"Hoe many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Swan."

"Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude"

"What would Marilyn Monroe being doing if she were alive today? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"I wish I hadn't bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999."

"Hip,hop da hippie, hip hip ya hop don't stop the drop da bang bang boogie.... I'm Drunk"

"So I found a Chinese pet carer... He said he would wok my dog for me"

"My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital."

"My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17. Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!"

"[At bar] Me: As a joke, I'm gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You're a married man now M: Right...sorry. I'm gonna pee ""our"" pants #BT140"