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Joke of the Day

"I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something."

"ELI5: Why doesn't BMW install turn signals on their cars?"

"What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air."

"Thanks for declaring on Facebook that you've found ""true love."" I look forward to watching it implode in real time."

"""anyone for turkey burgers?"" turkey: well sure haha ""oh, it's not a burger for turkeys"" turkey: what is it then ""uhh"" turkey: say it"

"[sees someone use multiple contradictory excuses to compel faith-based behavior] perhaps i can reason you out of this using history and laws"

"Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid."

"My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument."

"I used to be a necropheliac... [NSFW] ...but then some rotten asshole split on me."

"Do you remember that barbecue? You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill?"