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Joke of the Day

"Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed? Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!"

"Whether Trump or Hillary becomes president, I won't be living in the USA afterwards From someone currently living in Europe with no plans of leaving because of being a student."

"ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in SCARED DENIM: don't come back till you're thinny, thin, thin"

"All the king's horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions."

"Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away."

"What do you get when two lawyers have sex ? A Binding contract that you can't pull out of ... Edit And their are no loop holes other than your client having piercings."

"There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable...."

"Before you get all smug about ""science"" ask yourself why no microwave can penetrate the heart of a lasagna."

"I'm giving up negativity for lent. We'll see how long that lasts. Edit: aware it should be pessimism. This is a serious quote from a friend who didn't realise what she'd said."

"When was pasta introduced to the Middle East? when someone fed a genie alfredo"