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Joke of the Day

"I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer."

"Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight."

"No LinkedIn, I do not want to display my Twitter on my profile. I would actually like to keep my chances of getting a job above zero."

"How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I've just had six and I feel terrible."

"You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor... ...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating."

"My sex life is like a Pontiac. I usually find it on the side of the road."

"If you watch The Ring backwards it's about a young Asian girl who emerges from a well to start a 7 day VCR repair company."

"I like my women like I like my water Wet and slippery on the floor."

"What kind of exercise does Ned Flanders like to do? Diddily-squats."

"My girlfriend told me to humble down shes just jealous of the fact that I'm the most humble man on earth"