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Joke of the Day

"When I asked my girlfriend why she was breaking up with me, she said ""Because you're a pedophile!"". I replied ""That's an awfully big word for a twelve year old."""

"*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?"

"UPS, FedEx, and DHL trucks should play a jingle like ice cream trucks so we know when our packages are coming."

"What do you say about a man with premature ejaculation and severe diarrhea? Easy come; easy go."

"Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher. One hour later she was dead. So today I'll be watching Home Alone 2."

"Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?"

"My friend overheard me saying I could go for some malt liquor. Instead, the bastard got me a box of Whoppers. ""What the hell is this?!"" I said. ""Suck on them. Now, you're a *malt licker*!"""

"Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything."

"You lost me at ""my psychic said.."""

"Racist: What's black and white and unemployed? Just kidding about the white part."