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Joke of the Day

"If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you."

"If I've learned one thing from watching horror movies, it's if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die."

"If Anderson Cooper shows up in your country you're fucked. He's pretty much the Angel of Death."

"Japan's economy crashed in the 90s because their housing bubble was so bad, the Imperial Palace was worth all the land in California. I *wish* houses out here could still be that cheap!"

"What do you call it when you punch someone with an avocado? Guacamelee"

"Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light... Red means stop."

"What do you call an ant in space ? Cosmonants & Astronants !"

"59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights."

"A priest, a rabbi and a gorilla walk into a bar. The bartender looks over and says ""Is this some kind of joke?"""

"What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals."