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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness? Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry"

"I bought myself one of those ""off road vehicles"" last week... Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!"

"*Licks the fire in your soul *Burns tongue"

"What do you call a lock with low self-confidence? Insecure."

"Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace? Because she wanted to sleep like a log."

"I lied awake all last night waiting for the sun to come up... And then it dawned on me."

"Every day, there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble... And every day, I tell him we're sold out. Can't he buy Monopoly instead?"

"I once had a voice like Justin Bieber. Then I turned 4."

"How dumb do you have to be to fly right into my fucking face? This is why we shouldn't allow bees to text."

"I woke up this morning to the maid beating on my door So I finally let her out."