60507

Joke of the Day

"Every day, there's a kid coming to my store looking for trouble... And every day, I tell him we're sold out. Can't he buy Monopoly instead?"

"Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes"

"I mostly make black jokes because I have a dark sense of humor"

"Why did I cross the road? Because your mom was on the other side.."

"My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid."

"Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life."

"What do you call a detective from Glasgow with three feet? A Scotland Yard."

"FRIEND: haha she's so cutesay it for him honey HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar"

"My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm too much of an environmentalist... Oh well, not many fish left in the sea"

"[1st day as cop] captain: ""why did you call for back up"" me: ""there was a fly in my car"" swat team leader: ""what exactly do you think we do"""