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Joke of the Day

"I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients."

"How do the Kardashians change a broken light bulb They buy a new house"

"What did Napoleon say on the rollercoaster? Ouiiiiiiii!"

"I once bought shoes in China that said ""made around the corner"""

"Why do scuba divers fall into the water backwards off the boat? Because if they went forward they'd be in the boat"

"[First day of prison] ""Hey man. Wanna be in our gang?"" Sure, I'll call you. Just give me your cell number *gets stabbed*"

"Takes a second to understand. The more suicidal people, the less suicidal people."

"It's never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she's on a whole other level."

"[Army Shooting Range] Officer: Are you locked & loaded? Soldiers: YES SIR! Officer: You may fire at will! Soldier Named Will: WTF?"

"What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them"