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Joke of the Day

"If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone."

"You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We've decided on the perfect name for our baby"

"Guess who I bumped into today at the opticians? Everyone."

"If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator then... Hey come to think of it that's not a bad idea."

"What did the FLAC say? I'm an audiophile"

"*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!"

"In a primary school... The teacher asks students to draw female reproductive system. A girl in the class puts her head down out of shyness. A boy looks at her and exclaims ""Ma'am she's copying!""."

"An apple a day keeps the doctors away... an onion a day keeps everyone away."

"Why does everyone hate Harkonnen web-devs? Divs within Divs within Divs ..."

"A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk. Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music."