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Joke of the Day

"When I Die When I die, I want my last words to be ""I left a million dollars under the..."""

"Did you hear about the lesbian with no arms? She couldn't hold her licker."

"Some days, I just like to live wild and dangerous... These are the days I say to a woman, ""calm. the. fcuk. down."""

"ok, i'm calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater"

"Ever been to the Tower of Pisa? the security is pretty lenient"

"What cheese is used to block online streaming? Edam"

"I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson"

"If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth ... ... then it is at least somewhat likely that something very gay is going into your mouth at one point in time or another. Get it?"

"MAN TO LIZARD: ""SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES"" LIZARD: ""IM MORE IN PROMOTION"" MAN: ""WHAT DO YOU DO"" LIZARD: ""I REP TILE"""

"[roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you ""why not"" why would you ""it'll be fine"" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]"