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Joke of the Day

"[roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you ""why not"" why would you ""it'll be fine"" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]"

"What is the best way to determine if someone is ticklish? Give them a ""test tickle."""

"My doctor just told me I'm suffering from paranoia. Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking."

"If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?"

"A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!"

"A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress"

"I saw a black man walking with a TV... ...I thought, ""Hey, that's mine!!"" But then I remembered, mine was tied up in the backyard."

"What's the difference between a lobster with breast implants, and a dirty bus stop? One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean!"

"I'll tell you what I know about dwarves Very little"

"My Reddit posts are just like my prostitutes. They always end up getting buried."