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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me that if I were a tree, she'd want me to be a Christmas tree so she could spruce me up I told her she'd probably be a huge birch"

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"What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl? Her resume."
"You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on"
"In or On ? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?"
"Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere"
"Sex is like bowling It can be great by yourself, but it's always better with multiple people."
"Someone told me recently that the healthcare.gov website was built by a Canadian company. I guess that explains why the site is constantly freezing."
"A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal."
"I'm at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen."
"You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion."