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Joke of the Day

"[if my cat tweeted] When ""over 38"" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone."

"What's the cheapest meat to buy? Deer balls. They're under a buck."

"What's the longest word in the English language? A native Texan saying, ""Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttt."""

"10 year old: What was it like? Me: What was what like? 10: Being alive in the 1900's? Me: Go to your room."

"Scientists had already discovered a ninth planet 5000 times the size of Pluto years ago Your Mum"

"*Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*"

"Strictly between you and me and whatever agency these hummingbirds are reporting to, my paranoia is getting worse."

"What Austrian girls and wine have in common? Both mature in a cellar."

"What did Captain Hook say to Peter Pan? Fuck Niggers !! Lol !!"

"Did you hear about the contest that awarded the winner with a cat? It was a catastrophe."