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Joke of the Day

"Life advice: 1.Never be afraid to say what's on your mind 2.Never be afraid to do what's on your mind 3.Don't take life advice on Twitter"

"What's the difference between a doctor and a chair salesman? The chair salesman gives YOU a stool sample."

"Who is the new member of the X-MEN Caitlyn Jenner"

"Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways."

"Why don't white supremacist drink the water in Central America? Because it's Nicaragua"

"*has argument with husband* *brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011* *adds ""Historian"" to bio*"

"One day my kids are gonna be like ""please let us off the roof"" and ill reply ""400 on black"" because ill be at a roulette table far far away."

"My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she's going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door."

"The Boston snowstorm so was bad the Canadians reported on it. They called it Tuesday."

"ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth"