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Joke of the Day

"Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear"

"A friend of mine is really into A Tribe Called Quest... ... I'd buy him an album, but I left my wallet in El Segundo."

"To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight."

"Don't do the pathetic baby talk when talking to the baby. They don't understand you any better. You don't go up to a dog and start barking."

"I love the smell of moth balls, but I find it difficult to spread their tiny little legs."

"If at first you don't succeed... Well, there goes your skydiving career."

"[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died."

"For all the English lovers... The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense."

"I renew my ages-old wish that there was a CD of nothing but SNL closing-credits music that you could play to get people to leave your house."

"What do you tell a Jew with a tattoo? Nothing, you already told his grandparents 6 million times"