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Joke of the Day

"My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection"

"What do Green Eggs and Ham, and Fifty Shades of Gray have in common? They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things."

"How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut."

"You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store."

"What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth"

"What are 8 Hobbits? One hobbyte."

"Your Momma's so fat... A Stormtrooper could hit her with a blaster shot."

"My burrito brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, ""Careful, everything is falling out from the other side."""

"Did you hear about the deformed linebacker? He had 4 sacks."

"oh these 2 bleeding dots on my neck? uhhh no i'm not a vampire, some crazy dude stabbed me with 2 pens. hey can you toss me a bloodweiser ;)"