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Joke of the Day

"""Selfie"" has come to mean any photo of a person. At this rate, it will be the only word in the English language in 2023, meaning everything."

"My wife said that if I lose my job, she's divorcing me. So I need suggestions here, people. What are some terminable offenses these days?"

"*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*"

"[going thru airport security] ""Please turn your laptop on"" *I start to stroke it's audio input* ""That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this"

"took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air"

"That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage."

"These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It's a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end."

"I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today."

"Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying."

"How do you spot a vegan at the gym? Pretty much the same as anyone else."