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Joke of the Day

"I'm already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I've given the bird to lots of people today."

"My father said his Computer crashed... I asked him, what he did. ""I googled 'Malaysian Airlines'"", he replied."

"Yay summer! *gets drunk outside* Yay winter! *gets drunk inside*"

"I heard the fork was having an affair with the knife... Or is it too spoon to bring that up?"

"I usually don't pay for sex... ...but sometimes I like to splurge."

"I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon."

"In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon. I just feel that they would make a greater impact."

"""Are you pro gay?"" he asked. ""Amateur at best,"" I replied"

"Me: why do bad things happen to good people? God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles* Me: oh God: *nods solemnly*"

"What is the opposite of progress? Congress"