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Joke of the Day

"[going thru airport security] ""Please turn your laptop on"" *I start to stroke it's audio input* ""That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this"

"Art thief. Did you hear about the discerning art thief who burgled the Impressionist exhibit? He was in it for the Monet."

"Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, ""Hey man where's that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!"""

"Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died."

"You know youre getting old when Santa starts looking younger."

"My Black friend was pissed off that he didn't get a job he was totally qualified for so I told him to ""lighten up"" we're no longer friends."

"Studio Dunkers-that's an odd name for store-brand Oreos. I'd like a written explanation from Duane Reade."

"Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding... Maybe call it Wilbur?"

"[Commercial for lawnmowers] [Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden] *Stabs a long sword into the grass* ""There has to be a better way"""

"Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony."